My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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