broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize