You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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