I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?