Hey man sorry I got all grabby
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
