Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
