so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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