the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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