He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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