a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
