Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
