His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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