Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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