Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
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You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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