FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
