I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
