I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
