i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize