You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
