Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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