dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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