So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
