No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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