im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
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Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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