i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
