Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
