I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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