Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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