I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
