checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me