Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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