Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
