was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
