I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
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champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?