You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?