I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo