I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback