he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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