I am spending my child support on dildos
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
