This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
