I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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