you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
