what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
