I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Even my vagina gasped.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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