Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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