i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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