can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower