I cockslap morals
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.