So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
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My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
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Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms