There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.