I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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