i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
