I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.