i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.