A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
