Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.