apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.