when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.