My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
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Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.