Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties