I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What a dumb baby whore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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