Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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